I need a stronger shield!

I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I must write. I must say this so that I would never forget. So that I will always remember. So that I will always be grateful for all that I have, for things I had and for everything to come. I shouldn’t be an ingrate, I must know my position, put myself where I am supposed to be, my reasons for existence, my life now and after.

Why? Because lately, I feel miserable. I hate my job yet I have to work. I hate being with others but I don’t want to be alone. I was caught up in negative emotions and vibes extremely harmful to myself. Why because I thought I need companion, I need someone to help me get through life. I felt lonely.

Then for days I have been thinking of ways to get rid of these unwanted feelings of loneliness. But they wont go…. I’ve read books, talked on the phone, watched tv, went shopping, painted pictures, written poems, slept for hours, bathed long and frequently.
Then, I started thinking why do I feel this way? So many things came to mind when suddenly it hit me! Revelation? I don’t know! Maybe.

Because I forget that I was never alone. You can preach and say so many things to other people but you didn’t apply it to yourself. That is the picture of me, myself and I. but this ia a sign that I am so weak and frail where faith is concerned! Mana pergi iman, mana pergi takwa. Only those who forgets ALLAH will feel lonely… and that’s me. Yes I do pray five times a day, many more in fact but those were just physical act, no soul involved.Then i blamed people for reminding me, that I am all alone. But it wasn't their fault. It was just me, I should have been wiser, I should have known better! I was just me, and my wants and syaitan!!!

The point is if you feel lonely, always remember, no matter how isolated you are, you are never alone. ALLAH is there with you, listening and granting your wishes and prayers. O ALLAH have mercy on me, forgive me!!!