which one - mana satu ye?

Who are we? Who am I? What is hypocriscy? What makes someone a hypocrite?Is it the same as in Islam- we call it - munafik? It crosses my mind when I went to the bank yesterday to made payment for a loan which was not really mine but unfortunately has my name to it. Funny sometimes, when you have to go through changes in life when you did opt for that, EVERYTHING else changed too. Of course these changes occured because it was human who changed. Familiar things became aliens, families became enemies, sweet memories turned into painfully bitter memories - then in came the saying - "promises are only meant to be broken".


Forget about the time when you have to go through transition and adapting to new life and surrounding (let aside - the tears, sleepless night, bla,bla,bla....)- Okay, you survived. Then you learnt, ( -of course the hard way-) you had drained so much energy, wasted so much time over something unworthy. The earth will not stop spinning just because you are sad, no public holiday will be given just because you are grieving.

But then when you thought that you are happy again, life is even better probably, things of the past came haunting you back like - a stray hantu raya looking for a new master-! Memang hantu! Kadang-kadang terfikirlah siapakah orang yang pernah kita kenali dulu? Betulkah itu orang yang sama? Tapi mengapa zalim sangat dia ni? Buta benar ke mata kita sampai tak dapat membayangkan tentang tergamaknya dia menzalimi kita lagi walaupun kita duduk di dunia yang berbeza sekarang. We are not even neighbours! So, terfikirlah, bolehkah seseorang berpura-pura selama berbelas-belas tahun sehingga dia sendiri percaya dengan lakonannnya? Mungkin betul jugak.


Dan teringatlah pada EHSAN atau Ikhsan? Why do we always forget that we are never alone! Never! Lupa ke yang we are being watched? If we do not see thing, does it mean, it is not there? Tak juga kan? Kita tak melihat angin, tapi dia ada, kerana kita merasakanya. Dapatkah kita melihat fikiran dan perasaan sendiri? Tak kan? Tapi dia ada! Then, if we dont see God, there is no God?


It is sad, when you have good expectation of people, they let you down - they are not what you think they are. Of course, being human, nobody is perfect - not even near perfect- but......... Ye lah kalau orang fikir surely there'll be no crime committed. No point talking!


And what about alter-ego. I dont see anything wrong with having an alter ego. I have one, maybe two, three....? Not split personality!!!! Just another side of me, maybe a better one, or maybe not..... isnt that what I am doing now? Whatever!


Suddenly terfikir pula tentang pilihan dalam hidup ini. Do we have any option or choice or terus aje meletakkan apa saja pada segala yang telah ditakdirkan? Kalau macam tu kita tak payah buat apa-apa, tunggu dan lihat sahaja kan. Sebab kita akhirnya akan kata - everything is pre- determined!


Ye ke begitu? Sorry, I don't 100% believe that! Why say 100%, why not say - I don't believe that at all? Because..... kerapkali tindakan yang kita ambil itu, kita sendiri kurang yakin akan hasilnya. Kadang-kadang hati kita berkata-kata semasa kita nak buat sesuatu. Ya, memang, kata hati tiada bahasa, tapi kita fahamkan? Sudah tentu orang lain tak akan mengerti jika kita tak terjemahkan kata hati dengan perkataan yang keluar dari mulut kita, tapi when we are alone we still communicate with ourselves... I do! There were times when, I had doubt over things, how I handled them, but that did not stop me from doing what I wanted to do.... itu ikut hati la (atau ikut nafsu?)... and banyak kali lah ianya di ikuti dengan sesalan.


Jangan menyesal? Mengapa tidak, jika apa yang kita buat itu, kita tau salah pada agama, itu namanya zalim pada diri sendiri! Dan adakalanya, bila kita berhenti sejenak dan berfikir sebelum membuat keputusan, istikharah, put your hand to your heart, what does it say? Kalau hasilnya tak begitu membahagiakan, at least we did pause, think and consider..... so it was fated!


And if something happened to you, unexpectedly, without you or anyone planning it, then it is fated right? But what do you say to someone who went riding on his motorbike at top speed, without helmet on and died because he (sorry for using he- usually 'mat' rempit kan) could'nt avoid a cow crossing the road - is that takdir? Or would you say, that was what he wanted being a 'mat rempit'?

Apa-apa sajalah kan. Tapi apa yang saya selalu dengar di radio IKIM, antaranya:


-Cintailah siapa saja yang kau yang kau cintai tapi ingatlah satu hari kau akan berpisah dengannya

-Hiduplah apa saja cara yang kau ingini tapi ingatlah satu hari kau akan mati

- lagi apa ye? tak berapa pasti, tak ingat